What She Knew by Gilly Macmillian

Great mix of plot-driven mystery and character-driven psychological drama. It deals heavily with the mental toll a child abduction case has on the investigative team and the victim’s family. One of the most interesting parts for me was the close look at the involvement of social media in high-profile cases.

In the eyes of others, we’re often not who we imagine ourselves to be. When we first meet someone, we can put our best foot forward, and give the very best account of ourselves, but still get it horribly wrong. It’s a pitfall of life…if we’re not who we imagine we are, then is anybody else? If there’s so much potential for others to judge us wrongly, then how can we be sure that our assessment of them in any way resembles the real person that lies underneath?…Should we trust or rely on somebody just because they’re a figure of authority, or a family member? Are any of our friendships and relationships really based on secure foundations?

Rachel and her eight-year-old son Ben take regular walks in the woods outside their hometown of Bristol, England. On one chilly October day, Ben begs to run ahead so he can have some extra time on the rope swing before it gets too dark. Rachel is reluctant to say yes, but she relents. She can’t always be so overprotective. Why not let him have a bit of independence? He’ll be fine! Ben and his dog run ahead to the swing while the distracted Rachel hangs back. By the time she reaches the rope swing, Ben and the dog are gone and there is no sign of them in the surrounding woods. The police are called and Rachel’s worst nightmare begins.

I marveled at how the mundane activities that life demanded still needed to be done, even while the worst was happening. I even felt resentful toward my body, toward its demands for sleep, for food, for drink, for bodily functions. I thought that life should stop until Ben was found. Clocks should no longer tick, oxygen should no longer be exchanged for carbon dioxide in our lungs, and our hearts should not pump. Only when he was back should normal service resume. Anything else was an insult to him, to what he might be suffering.

Normally my library holds come available at the WORST possible time (and all at once, no matter how different the wait times are!), but this one became available while I was in the midst of a cold and it was perfect company! I’ve read a number of thrillers lately where the end is a known fact and it is the middle of the story that is in question. In this book, the child is kidnapped in the beginning and we have no idea what happened to him or if he is alive or dead. It adds a real sense of urgency. Part or what makes this book is so scary is that it begins with a choice regarding independence that parents have to make all the time as their children grow older. And really, 99% of the time Rachel’s decision wouldn’t have been so life-altering, but that 1% of the time….

The sense of urgency is further escalated with excerpts from real-world child abduction resources at the beginning of each chapter. There are nine chapters, each representing a day. In each chapter there are several sections, alternating between the mom of the missing boy and the lead investigator, Jim. Jim’s chapters push the investigation forward, while Rachel’s chapters show the trauma of losing a child and the ramifications of being in the public spotlight. There are some glimpses into the future during sessions with the lead detective and his psychologist, but all we know is that the case had a terrible impact on him and it seems like something might have gone wrong with the investigation.

These were people, I thought, with a growing sense of desperation, who would have put me in a workhouse a hundred years ago, and a few centuries before that strapped me into a scold’s bridle, or built a tall bonfire just for me to sit atop, and lit it with flaming torches, which underscored with flickering light their hard-bitten features, their lack of mercy or compassion…I was their target because I was socially unacceptable, and so they did everything they legally could: they publicly lanced me with words which were written, examined, and edited, each process carefully honing them in a calculated effort to push people’s buttons once they were published, to froth up public opinion around them so that my situation could titillate others, could thrill and bolster the minds of the smug and judgmental. Schadenfreude. Conservatism. Better the worst happens to somebody else, because, quite frankly, they must have done something to deserve it. And they felt entitled to do that, these so-called “thinkers,” as they sat comfortably behind their desks with their reference books and their own unexamined moral compass, because I was nothing to them. Ben and I were simply the commodity that would sell their papers, nothing more. And these were the very papers that I used to read, that I used to carry down the road from the shop and bring into my home.

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I don’t know if you’ve ever gone down the rabbit-hole of sleuthing communities, but they can get real weird and people get extremely invested in these unsolved cases. It is good when people are talking about a case because it keeps it in the public eye and increases the chance of a conclusion, but there is also a dark side. What makes this book special is the examination of social media and its effect on the investigation and the victim’s families. Blog posts and online news articles with comment sections are included. Rachel suffers real-life consequences from the fervor that the media and the online community whip up. There are sections where Rachel becomes confrontational with the reader. These parts were really jarring at first, but it serves as a mirror to reflect on your own judgments.

And I suppose I’m interested now to know whether it troubles you to read these things, to know that the rug you’re standing on so securely can be whipped out from under your feet rapidly and completely? Or do you feel safer than that? Do you assume that your foundations are more secure than mine, and that my situation is too extreme to ever befall you? Have you noted the moments when I made mistakes that you might have avoided? Do you imagine that you would have behaved with a more perfect maternal dignity in my situation, that you would be unimpeachable? Perhaps you wouldn’t have been stupid enough to lose your husband in the first place. Be careful what you assume, is what I’d say to that. Be very careful. I should know. I was married to a doctor once. I’m also interested to know how uncomfortable you feel now. Whether you’re regretting our agreement. Remember the roles we allocated each other? Me: Ancient Mariner and Narrator. You: Wedding Guest and Patient Listener. Do you wish you could shuffle away yet? Refill your glass perhaps? Now that my grip is loosening whose side are you on? Mine, or theirs? How long will you stay with the underdog, given that she’s so beaten now, so unattractive? Displaying here and there signs of mental instability.

What She Knew forces you to look at the general human tendency to vilify others and look for signs that they deserve whatever bad things happened to them. The world seems to feel too chaotic and random otherwise. It also asks if we can truly know or trust anyone. This book is a bit longer than most popular mysteries, but I really loved the satisfying mix of procedural and psychological that those added pages allowed for.

What I know now is that even after the divorce I should simply have been grateful for what I had. I should have celebrated my life as it was, imperfections, sadness, and all, and not forensically examined its faults. Those faults were largely in the eyes of a critical and sharp-edged society anyhow, and I had learned to recognize them by osmosis, by following the herd.

____________
Quotes I thought of after reading.
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.” – Stephen M.R. Covey

Charles: So April missed the airway, huh? That’s so stupid. Lexie: Airway first. Jackson: It’s like med school 101, right? Alex: It’s pretty basic. Reed: It was one second! She got distracted for one second and she made a mistake. Charles: That we all nearly got fired for. Jackson: Nose dive’s got a point. Charles: Thank you. … What?! Alex: We nearly got fired for trying to fix what she screwed up in the first place. Cristina: Yeah, ’cause that’s our job. (to Lexie) What you didn’t make any mistakes today? (to Alex) You’ve been distracted for the entire week. (to Jackson) And who knows what you screwed up. But our patients didn’t die and that’s why we didn’t get caught. It could’ve happened to any one of us. (Grey’s Anatomy, Episode: I Saw What I Saw)

Becoming Nicole by Amy Ellis Nutt

Extremely accessible introduction to gender identity issues. This heartwarming story of an ordinary family fighting to make a safer world for their transgender daughter is both engaging and informative. While the Maines family is central to the book, there is also a ton of information on the science behind gender development. This is one of the few non-fiction books that I have stayed up way too late reading!

Lesson number one: “Sexual orientation is who you go to bed with,” he told Spack. “Gender identity is who you go to bed as.”

Kelly and Wayne Maines are thrilled to start their family when they adopt, by all appearances, twin boys. Wayne can’t wait to share his knowledge with his two little guys. But almost as soon as the twins are verbal, one of the them makes it clear that she identifies as a girl. As the years go on, it is obvious this is not just a phase. Becoming Nicole tells us about Nicole’s journey, but it is just as much about Wayne’s “transition” to acceptance, Kelly’s fierce determination to support and protect her daughter, and her twin brother Jonas’s struggle to find his own role in the world and in his family.

Nicole’s story had started before she was even born. So had Jonas’s—in atoms and molecules, in liquid beginnings. One DNA, two souls, and a billion possibilities.

I was especially curious about this book because of current issues in my area: an uproar over a transgender substitute teacher in my hometown and Houston’s recently failed equal rights ordinance. The twin aspect was also intriguing: (1) Identical twins from the same egg, the same DNA, and eventually the same environment. (2) The twin’s interaction with each other, both Nicole’s frustrations that her twin is allowed to express himself in a way she can’t and Jonas feeling like he is a supporting character in his own life. I was also very interested in the parents, who had two very different reactions. Wayne has a difficult time handling it all and deals by pulling away from the family. Kelly doesn’t really know much about gender identity, but she throws herself into research and does the best she can for Nicole. (Jonas was never in any question. Nicole was always his sister.) The author begins the book with the family backgrounds of Wayne and Kelly and it really helps illuminate why they each react to their unexpected circumstances the way they do. Wayne comes a long way and eventually becomes Nicole’s biggest champion.

Sometimes it all made Kelly and Wayne’s heads spin. But just because they didn’t understand it all didn’t make it any less true.

The book is written in a detached journalistic writing style, with the occasional literary flourish. It reads like a long magazine article. It is a fantastic mix of human interest, science, history and psychology. I learned the most with the chapters on the brain and fetal development. The complex processes that make us who we are are fascinating.
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Recognizing that the sexual differentiation of a fetus’s brain happens later in pregnancy than genital differentiation and that both are complex biological processes, the fact that variations in gender identity exist should ultimately come as no surprise.

The hardest part to read was the bullying of Nicole, which began when an adult actively encouraged his grandson to intimidate her at elementary school. This eventually becomes the impetus for the discrimination lawsuit the Maines file against the school district, which is a central focus of the book. The landmark case “marked the first time a state’s highest court ruled that a transgender person has the right to use the restroom of the gender with which they identify.” (TIME).

Ultimately gender identity is the result of biological processes and is a function of the interplay between sex hormones and the developing brain, and because it is a process that takes place over time, in utero, it can be influenced by any number of environmental effects…Beyond chromosomes, any kind of mutation, or change, in the balance of hormones will tip the sexual development of the fetus toward one side or the other independently of what the chromosomes “say.”

Since I have seen complaints about this on other forums, I will say that for historical clarity there is a very clear shift in the names and pronouns used, which occurs at the time of the official name change. It appears that the Maines family was extremely involved with this book and Nicole has been supporting the book heavily on Twitter, so I assume that this was okay with her.

The book ends after Nicole’s gender confirmation surgery, right before she heads off to college. Nicole is extremely confident and happy, which is probably in no small part due to a loving and supportive family. Becoming Nicole is both inspiring and informative. I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in knowing more about gender identity issues or is looking for a book about an ordinary family dealing with extraordinary circumstances.

For so long Wayne had tried to analyze kids, including his own child, looking for the right descriptions, the right terms, to explain it all, but here in Machias, in this dormitory suite, he finally gave up. It didn’t matter to these kids whether someone was called gay, transgender, genderqueer or whatever, so why should it matter to him?

In a Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware

Fun start, slooooooow finish.

Nora hasn’t spoken to her high school best friend Clare in a decade, until one day she receives an invitation to Clare’s hen party. Nora is immediately wary of the invite, but she decides to attend anyway. The story opens after the party has taken a tragic turn for the worst and Nora is in the hospital with no memory of what happened.

The brain doesn’t remember well. It tells stories. It fills in the gaps, and implants those fantasies as memories.
I have to try to get the facts . . .
But I don’t know if I’m remembering what happened—or what I want to have happened. I am a writer. I’m a professional liar. It’s hard to know when to stop, you know? You see a gap in the narrative, you want to fill it with a reason, a motive, a plausible explanation.
And the harder I push, the more the facts dissolve beneath my fingers . . .

The first half of the book alternates between “before the incident” and “after the incident”. The hen party itself was a lot of cringey-fun. The author really captured the awkwardness of an event where the only thing anyone has in common is a relationship with the honored guest. The premise for Nora’s invitation and the party games in that context were so cruel, but definitely entertaining. The characters (all in their late twenties) are immature and shallow, but it was actually fitting for this book. I loved the setting of an isolated glass house buried deep in a creepy forest in the English countryside. (“The night was drawing in, and the house felt more and more like a glass cage, blasting its light blindly out into the dusk, like a lantern in the dark. I imagined a thousand moths circling and shivering, drawn inexorably to its glow, only to perish against the cold inhospitable glass.”). There is a great theater motif running through the novel and the see-through house is a great manifestation of it. It actually became like an extra character and I missed it in the second half!
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I realize how young we were—hardly more than children with the careless cruelty of childhood and the rigid black-and-white morality, too.
There is no gray when you’re young. There’s only goodies and baddies, right and wrong. The rules are very clear—a playground morality of ethical lines drawn out like a netball pitch, with clear fouls and penalties.

It all fell apart for me halfway through this 320 page book, when the story completely catches up with Nora in the hospital and it becomes all amnesia, all-the-time. All the “WHAT HAPPENED?”, “I MUST REMEMBER!”, and rehashing was so frustrating. New information comes in at a slow drip and by 80% I wasn’t even sure if I cared what happened! I kept going because I was hoping for some insane twist, but I was disappointed when my initial impressions were correct. Also: the fact that tea-hating, crime writer Nora thought that that last tea was a good idea was baffling!

“People don’t change,” Nina said bitterly. “They just get more punctilious about hiding their true selves.”

My husband always tells me how his father would joke that the moral of every story was “they should have kept their ass at home!” That was definitely the case with this story! While this wasn’t an “add it to the top of your list immediately” book for me, I think it would be a fun beach read.

And After Many Days by Jowhor Ile

Haunting novel rooted in a political reality. I received this book from Penguin Random House in exchange for an honest review. This title will be released February 16, 2016.

Draw yourself a straight line, walk backwards on it to erase your footsteps and you will trip and crack your skull. Straddle the two sides of a stream and you will unhinge your hips. Be unstable as waters and you will not excel.

The Utu family live a comfortable life in Port Harcourt, Nigeria. One day in 1995, their 17-year-old son Paul goes to visit a neighbor and disappears without a trace. His younger brother Ajie was the last person who saw him and is burdened with the guilt that he doesn’t have any information that will help find his brother. Ajie begins to recall past events to try to come to an understanding of the situation and pinpoint the exact moment where everything went wrong for his family. The events of the present were set into motion long before the Utu children even existed.

The publisher summary is misleading. I was expecting a Nigerian Everything I Never Told You. This novel is subtle and even more character driven. It has a starting point and an ending point, but the bulk of the book is a series of recollections. Mostly told in flashbacks before Paul’s went missing, the vignettes portray a tender portrait of family life against the backdrop of growing political unrest. While the shadow of Paul’s disappearance lurks in the background and adds a new emotional weight to seemingly unrelated events, it is not at the forefront. The publisher calls this a “tale that moves seamlessly back and forth through time.” I wouldn’t say seamless because sometimes the story would switch gears abruptly. That didn’t hurt my understanding of the book, but I had difficulty placing a few of the individual flashbacks on a timeline.

Like the pendulum on their parlour wall, they swung to both ends of dread and hope, but generally stayed in balance: no hysterical outbursts, no screaming and pounding the walls for answers, no silent bitter tears that soaked up the pillow when you lifted your head in the morning. There was just stillness. Something quiet crept about the house, made you feel a sudden chill and sprayed your arms and neck with unexpected goose rash.

It is really beautifully written. I loved the depiction of the Utu family, each member a fully-drawn character. Benedict, the justice-minded patriarch, reminded me a little of To Kill a Mockingbird’s Atticus Finch. Ajie, the character through which we observe most events, is independent-minded and strong-willed. He idolizes his big brother Paul and has a conflicted relationship with his big sister Bibi. The most touching part of this book was Ile’s masterful portrayal of the complicated love between siblings as they navigate growing up together. They fight fiercely, but they also love fiercely. They have a shared history and unique bond that can not be replicated. The following passage really resonated with me:
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Before the beginning of his memory, which was to say from the beginning of this life, there had always been the three of them. Paul and Bibi were the first people he saw, the first he touched. Everything he resented and liked, everything he knew, thought and felt, his smile and the angry pounding in his veins were all from them, and now, for the first time, taking notice of this made him feel incredibly lonely. The sort of lonely feeling that Bibi would have been tempted to slap out of him. Just the kind of thing that would have made Paul look at him in his usual bemused way and say, ‘My friend, what are you saying? Please be serious’. But he sensed it that night, it hung about the room, the feeling that things may not always be like this, that they would one day grow up and live across town from each other like Ma and her cousin Aunty Julie or even die like all of Bendic’s siblings whom he hardly ever spoke of. Paul turned around in his bed, the distant drumming had stopped, and mumbled something in his sleep, and Ajie was sure he could hear Bibi softly breathing from the room next door.

My husband worked in Nigeria during our engagement and the first few years of our marriage, so I am always interested in books set there. I had already read a few books from Nigerian authors and paid special attention to news from there. I think a basic knowledge of 20th century Nigeria really increased the impact the book had on me.

This novel deals with the human cost of political conflict and greed, as well as the impact the actions of the past have on the present. If you pick up this novel expecting a plot heavy suspense novel or whodunit, you will probably be disappointed. This quiet novel will be most enjoyable for contemporary literature fans interested in Nigeria and those who like slice-of-life family stories.

Few people, very few, have a treasure, and if they do they must cling to it and not let themselves be ambushed and have it taken from them.

——
All quotes are taken from an uncorrected manuscript and aren’t final. Please refer to a finished copy.

The Forbidden Wish by Jessica Khoury

Beautifully written retelling of the Aladdin story told from a unique perspective. I loved the luscious landscapes, the mythology, and the political intrigue but I wasn’t sold on the romance, which was a central part of the novel. I received this ARC from Penguin Random House in exchange for an honest review. It will be released on February 23, 2016.

“Wishes have a way of twisting themselves, and there is nothing more dangerous than getting your heart’s desire. The question is, are you willing to gamble? How much are you willing to lose? What are you willing to risk everything for?”

After being trapped in a jinni lamp for five-hundred years, Zahra is released by Aladdin, a young thief. Zahra is bound to grant her new master three wishes. Before Aladdin has had the chance to make his second wish, the King of the Jinn offers Zahra a chance to finally secure her freedom from the lamp. Zahra is able to manipulate Aladdin into helping her with her mission, but she begins to develop feelings for him despite strict rules that forbid a jinni from loving a human. Is her freedom worth betraying her heart?

I chose this book because Aladdin has always been one of my favorite Disney animations. (As a side note: It is crazy how ingrained those cartoon images are in my head!) The Forbidden Wish has some familiar elements, but it is not a rehash. It is unique enough to be a fun adventure for fans of the story. The writing is beautiful and the descriptions of the world are breathtaking. The action sequences were also fantastic, which are sometimes tricky for me to keep up with when magic is involved! The danger is real and I really didn’t know if it was possible for them to get out of some situations unscathed.

“And what do you know of love?”
“That it must be a choice.”
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This version of the story is told in first person present from Zahra’s point of view. She is most compelling when she is recalling her history, especially with her previous master. She really struggles the mistakes of her past, which are slowly revealed throughout the story. She also struggles with who she is versus who she is supposed to be. Though I liked his backstory, Aladdin was the least interesting character for me. It is a little unfortunate because so much of Zahra’s angst is tied to him. He was really outshined by the women in this novel. Princess Caspida and her Watchmaidens were my favorite characters, even though they played supporting roles. They are badass! I would totally read a novel about their future escapades!

I’ve said in the past that I don’t like romantic plots, but I actually rate them pretty evenly. It’s just that when I don’t like the romantic parts, my enjoyment plummets quickly. I didn’t buy the romantic love between Zahra and Aladdin at all. I would be completely transported into the story, but then Zahra would start pining over Aladdin or the “I love you, but it can never be!” declarations would start and I was suddenly aware that I was in the middle of a young adult novel. I think I would’ve preferred their bond to be rooted in friendship. The dialogue would become distinctly modern at points, which was jarring in contrast with the exquisite nature of the rest of the book.

“If you’re not free to love,” I whisper, “you’re not free at all.”

The author ties all the loose threads together nicely and there are many great elements in this retelling. If you enjoy fairy tales and the previous paragraph of this review doesn’t bother you, it will probably be a 4-star+ for you.

The Vegetarian by Han Kang

Challenging, surreal, character-driven novel with dark psychological themes and powerful imagery. In this three-part story, the author explores the ripple effect of an act of rebellion in an authoritarian environment through the conflicts in a single family. Deeply unsettling. At times, it felt like a horror novel rooted in a dream-like reality. Translated into English from the original Korean. I received this book from Penguin Random House in exchange for an honest review. This title will be released on February 2, 2016.

Blood and flesh, all those butchered bodies are scattered in every nook and cranny, and though the physical remnants were excreted, their lives still stick stubbornly to my insides.

Yeong-hye and her husband lived an ordinary life, until one day she throws out all the animal products in the kitchen and declares herself a vegetarian. She offers little explanation for her change in eating habits, except that she had a haunting dream. A simple act becomes an extraordinary act of rebellion in a culture where conformity is expected and admired. Gentle scolding turns into violence, as her family attempts to impose their will on Yeong-hye. She refuses to abdicate her newly found bodily autonomy, much to the annoyance of those around her. What follows is a descent into madness and a complete loss of self, while the family ties completely disintegrate.

Time was a wave, almost cruel in its relentlessness as it whisked her life downstream, a life which she had to constantly strain to keep from breaking apart.

The book is short in length (192 pages) and is a quick read, but the subject matter is extremely heavy. I was glad for the short length because it is difficult to read along as Yeong-hye endures invasive transgressions against her body, [spoiler]even when there is very little physical body left.[/spoiler] The book touches on many issues that will be sensitive for some readers (vague keywords follow): [spoiler]marital rape, child abuse, eating disorders, animal abuse, and mental illness.[/spoiler]

Life is such a strange thing, she thinks, once she has stopped laughing. Even after certain things have happened to them, no matter how awful the experience, people still go on eating and drinking, going to the toilet and washing themselves – living, in other words. And sometimes they even laugh out loud. And they probably have these same thoughts, too, and when they do it must make them cheerlessly recall all the sadness they’d briefly managed to forget.

The central character, Yeong-hye, is shown primarily through the eyes of her family, but there are some italicized sections that give insight into her thoughts. There are three acts from three points of view: her husband, her brother-in-law and her sister (In-hye). [spoiler]The men in her life view Yeong-hye as an object who is supposed to play a specific role. Her father is an authoritarian who uses violence to maintain order. Her repressed husband sees her as a submissive wife with no discernible personality or interests outside of him. (“And so it was only natural that I would marry the most run-of-the-mill woman in the world. As for women who were pretty, intelligent, strikingly sensual, the daughters of rich families – they would only ever have served to disrupt my carefully ordered existence.”) Her brother-in-law develops a creepy sexual obsession with her and sees her as a blank canvas on which to project his sexual desires. (“Her calm acceptance of all these things made her seem to him something sacred. Whether human, animal or plant, she could not be called a ‘person’, but then she wasn’t exactly some feral creature either – more like a mysterious being with qualities of both.”)
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“She was no longer able to cope with all that her sister reminded her of. She’d been unable to forgive her for soaring alone over a boundary she herself could never bring herself to cross, unable to forgive that magnificent irresponsibility that had enabled Yeong-hye to shuck off social constraints and leave her behind, still a prisoner. And before Yeong-hye had broken those bars, she’d never even known they were there.”

Yeong-hye’s actions have a huge ripple effect on her family, though much of that has to do with their rigid mindset and disproportionate reaction which pushes her further into isolation and madness. More lines are crossed as the novel continues and the family bonds almost completely disappear. It is clear why traditionalists maintain such a stronghold on rules and customs, as the rebellion shines a light on the possibilities and lights a spark in others. The saddest part is In-hye’s section. In-hye realizes she never took the time to understand her sister or truly listen to her. She reflects on how her own self-absorption and survival mechanisms have impacted her sister and she experiences guilt over the potential she had to prevent Yeong-hye’s complete break from reality. She begins to see herself in her sister and recognizes how tenuous her own grasp to reality is. How much relentless abuse can one person absorb before they snap? (“If her husband and Yeong-hye hadn’t smashed through all the boundaries, if everything hadn’t splintered apart, then perhaps she was the one who would have broken down, and if she’d let that happen, if she’d let go of the thread, she might never have found it again.”)[/spoiler]

Knowledge of Korean culture would be helpful and add another layer to the novel, but many of the themes are universal. At times, passages about the destruction of the body from Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates came rushing back to me: “…racism is a visceral experience, that it dislodges brains, blocks airways, rips muscle, extracts organs, cracks bones, breaks teeth…You must always remember that the sociology, the history, the economics, the graphs, the charts, the regressions all land, with great violence, upon the body.” and “To awaken [the oppressors] is to reveal that they are an empire of humans and, like all empires of humans, are built on the destruction of the body. It is to stain their nobility, to make them vulnerable, fallible, breakable humans.”

It’s your body, you can treat it however you please. The only area where you’re free to do just as you like. And even that doesn’t turn out how you wanted.

This is not a book I could recommend to everyone. I am certain that I do not have a full understanding of this book and I am still trying to process what I read. I didn’t enjoy it in the traditional sense, but it left me with a lot to think about. I recommend having a few palette-cleanser books on hand to read after this one!

Try Not to Breathe by Holly Seddon

Alex Dale is a functioning alcoholic and very-part-time journalist working on a story about comatose patients. While Alex is visiting the Neuro-Disability ward at the hospital, she recognizes Amy Stevenson, a young woman who was left for dead in the woods. It was a huge case in the local media, but the perpetrator was never identified. Alex becomes obsessed with telling Amy’s story. This is complicated because Amy has been in a persistent vegetative state for 15 years and there are only a few cold leads to follow. I received this book from Penguin Random House in exchange for an honest review. This book will be released on February 23, 2016.

Time is not a good healer. Time is a blank page on which the left behind scribble their regrets and their confessions.

Try Not To Breathe is your standard page-turning suspense novel, with a female journalist lead. The writing was straightforward. There are three points of view: Amy (the victim), Alex Dale (the journalist), and Jacob (a mysterious man who visits the ward, with a special focus on Amy). What makes this book interesting is the central focus on people in a persistent vegetative state and the potential for simple communication with a small percentage of them. My favorite chapters were from Amy’s and the chapters where Alex interacted with Amy. Amy is a wake-up call for Alex and she is able to reflect on her own struggles by spending time with Amy and investigating her story. They have both lost everything and everyone around them, except Amy didn’t have a choice in the matter and there don’t seem to be any second chances in her future.

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She wasn’t getting better, she’d just mistaken survival for progress. (Alex)

The tension between Jacob and his wife ran a little too long and his chapters were my least favorite. The ending was really easy to predict and I am not someone who usually has it all figured out. [spoiler]Due to Amy’s point of view in the beginning chapters of the book, the leads that Alex gets sidetracked with feel like a waste of time rather than suspenseful. Plus there is a character that we never meet, but has just enough presence that we can’t forget them. The lack of presence for that character also makes it less satisfying when their identity is discovered, though I did enjoy the trial scene.[/spoiler] However–Even though I was 99% sure who did it, I raced through this book. I am usually a one-hour-a-weeknight reader and I stayed up way too late with this one!

Overall, it was entertaining with an interesting concept. In terms of thrillers I’ve read recently, I’d put it in the A Line of Blood/Those Girls category. If you liked this book or typically like thrillers similar to this book, you might like The Girl on the Train (England, isolated alcoholic protagonist) or Black-Eyed Susans (victim with no memory of event + a little bit of science).

The Portable Veblen by Elizabeth Mckenzie

“We’re old enough not to care what our parents think, but somehow we do,” Paul admitted, philosophically.“That’s for sure. ” “Because they allowed us to exist. ” She had once concluded everyone on earth was a servant to the previous generation—born from the body’s factory for entertainment and use. A life could be spent like an apology—to prove you had been worth it.

3.75 Stars. As quirky as you would expect, given the cover! Part ruminations on marriage and family and part statement on materialism, consumerism, and the military-industrial complex, The Portable Veblen’s strength is its complicated, memorable characters. I received this book from Penguin Random House in exchange for an honest review. It will be released on January 19, 2016.

I love squirrels. This little guy has permanent residency on my desk:

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Veblen, 30, is filled with anxieties and neuroses, primarily induced by her narcissistic, hypochondriac mother. She was never really close with her father, who is now institutionalized. She is now a secretary who does translation work on-the-side as a hobby. Like her namesake, the real-life Thorstein Veblen, she detests consumerism and materialism. She is happy with her small life and cozy little home, which she renovated herself. When she agrees to marry her boyfriend Paul, the engagement brings many deep-seated issues to the surface. Oh, and she talks to squirrels.

Paul, 34, was raised in a hippy commune. He resents his parents for his unconventional childhood and for favoring his developmentally disabled brother. Paul is now a neurologist and is dedicated to carving out a life completely separate from the one he grew up in. He finally reaches the success he has been chasing when he develops a revolutionary tool that will minimize the effects of Traumatic Brain Injury in war zones. Success isn’t so sweet though because he ends up in a complicated relationship with the pharmaceutical industry and the military-industrial complex. His desire for a traditional middle-class life also causes complications in his relationship with Veblen.

“Have you read Marriage: Dead or Alive?” Veblen said no.“It’s the magnum opus of Adolf Guggenbühl-Craig. He says marriage is a continuous inevitable confrontation that can be resolved only through death. ”

I grew really fond of the characters. I could really relate to many of Veblen’s personality quirks, especially being hyperaware of her own flaws and her need to maintain an equilibrium. (“I feel like I’m not allowed to be bothered. ” “Not allowed?” “It’s like I’m under pressure from some higher source to remain calm or neutral, to prevent something terrible from happening.”) Veblen has a rich inner life and she overanalyzes everything, which is a source of much of the humor. I really loved the pride she took in her cozy little home and her empathy for all living creatures. Paul is hard to like at first, but as his family history is revealed, his motivations and actions become understandable.

Then she snapped out of it, and they laughed about it, and she came to understand that this recognition of otherness would occur over and over until death they did part, that she couldn’t despair every time it occurred, and that anyway, Paul wasn’t a dictator like her mother…yet it was clear that your choice of mate would shape the rest of your life in ways you couldn’t begin to know. One by one, things he didn’t like would be jettisoned. First squirrels, then turkey meatballs, then corn, then—what next? Marriage could be a continuing exercise in disappearances.

There is so much going on in this book. It addresses so many issues and I don’t feel like everything 100% meshed together, at least on first reading. It almost seems like two books. A week after reading, what sticks with me most is the character portraits, the couple interactions, and the family dynamics. The military-industrial complex/pharmaceutical sections are already starting to fade from my memory, although it did create an ethical dilemma for Paul and ramifications on Paul’s and Veblen’s relationship. The mood of the military sections felt a little different too, a little more absurd. There are also a few random, irrelevant pictures featured throughout the book, mostly to up the quirk factor. They didn’t really add much for me and the decision to include them didn’t seem fully committed since they were few and far between.

She started to run, feeling the warmth of the sun and the rub of the grass under her soles, remembering how running used to make her pretend to be Mighty Mouse, shouting, “Here I come to save the day!” and later on, Maria singing, “The hills are alive … ” and then thinking it very strange that she could not run across grass without pretending to be someone other than herself, for even now she found herself in search of something to think when running across grass.

The Portable Veblen is partially about the impact our childhoods have on us, the break for independence, and discovering your own identity outside of your family. Veblen really struggles with tying herself to another person, especially when she is still inextricably intertwined with her mother. She is fearful about what she will have to give up when she gets married. Veblen eventually realizes she can have a relationship with her mother, without being an extension of her. Likewise, she can get married without losing herself and her ideals. Paul realizes that he doesn’t have to be the complete opposite of his family to be his own person.

‘If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, or some guy on TV telling you how to do your crapola, then you deserve it. ’ Paul and Veblen, I think you’ll understand me when I say that we’ll always be here for you, but that your own crapola is where it’s at…”

I had fun reading this novel. The writing was pleasant and the pages flew by. It may have run a little long, but I was sad when it ended. After the story ends, there are appendices that serve as “Where are they now?” chapters. It was a really cute way to end it and it suited the mood of the book. It is the perfect book for when you are in the mood for a weird, cozy, funny, heartfelt book, with a bit of whimsy.

According to Adolf Guggenbühl-Craig, the Swiss analyst and author of Marriage: Dead or Alive, a wedding is more than a party or a legality. It’s no less than a boxing ring, two people facing off, acknowledging their separate identities rather than their union, in the company of all the people who lay claim to them. A wedding is the time and place to recognize the full clutch of the past in the negotiation of a shared future.”